Headsman's Axe
by aruvqan
Summary: Helen and Steph have a faceoff in the kitchen. 3 chapters - Helen, Joe and Ranger. Complete finally!
1. Chapter 1

Headsman's Axe

"Janet Kosigan's daughter Amy just had a little boy, you aren't getting any younger, why can't you settle down and marry Joe ..." Helen started in on Steph, both standing in the kitchen in the timeless harness of washing and drying the dinner dishes.

Helen jumped as Steph slammed a large wooden salad bowl down onto the countertop.

"Mom, stop. Just stop. I know how old I am and the eternal litany of who's daughter is getting married, or having a baby is never going to work. I don't care how old I am, I don't *want* to get married, and I am *not* changing jobs. That is final."

But..." started Helen.

"No. And you know what else?" Steph leaned in towards Helen with an evil glint in her eye.

"What? " Helen said tentatively, looking worried.

"Remember right after I caught Dickie and that skank and threw them out and filed for divorce? Mary Lou and I went to Disney for the week after she won the trip for two?

"Yes..."

"Well the first day there I had a lot of stomach pain and went to see a doctor. That bastard got me pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. He operated and had to remove my left ovary and tube and while he was in there I had him take out the right tube as well. I *told* you there would *never* be any kids. Now this is the end of the matter."

Steph picked up her keys and purse and firmly walked out the door leaving a stunned and speechless Helen standing with her hands dripping soapy water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have never been happy with how sloppy Steph seems to be in many fics with her birth control. Since Steph still has one ovary, her hormones are pumping out like normal, and in a pinch she could do the whole in vitro fertilization shuffle if she did ever want a kid.


	2. Chapter 2

Headsman's Axe - chapter 2

The mostly brown POS Escort pulled to the curb at Joe's house and the driver slid out and shut the car door as firmly as it would take without falling off the car. Walking to the front door with a degree of determination, she knocked and listened as Bob the mostly golden retriever bounced around and barked at the knock.

Joe opened the door with a smile. "Cupcake - I didn't expect you yet. No leftvers?"

Pushing past him, Steph rolled her eyes. "Glad I am something to you other than just a booty call."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, either you and your 'boys' miss me, or you are looking forward to Mom's leftovers, or you want to sit and watch TV and eat takeout."

Confused, Joe answers 'But that is what we normally do on weekends..."

"Exactly my point. You know we have never gone on a date?"

"But we are together..."

Steph sighed "No we aren't. We sleep together, and you yell at me when we aren't sleeping together."

"But..."

"No buts. Listen to me for once in your fucking life. We are not together, I am a booty call just like Terry. If you really listened to me you would know I *don't * ever want kids, I don't ever want to quit my job, and I don't ever want to turn into my mom."

"But Cupcake ..."

"Again with the buts. No. I am not having kids, ever. End of discussion." Walking through the small dining room intot he kitchen, Steph opens the refrigerator and grabs a beer and carries it back to Joe and puts it down on the coffee table in front of him.

"I will tell you this once, and that is it. You will never come and yell at me, you will never make bets on anything I do, and you will keep Grandma Bella off my back or I will stun her and haul her in for assault."

Puzzled, Joe grabs the beer and opens it.

"I will *never* have children because I had my tubes tied last year. The only reason I make you use rubbers is because I can't trust you to keep it in your pants and not catch some STD. I know about your 'business meetings' with Terry, and you screwing around when you were up in New York on assignment last January. None of this was ever about Ranger, it is all about you, and we are now over. No more booty calls, I am worth more than that. Now leave me alone."

Joe sat there stunned as Steph turned and walked out, firmly shutting the door behind herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Headsman's Axe

Ranger's PoV

Ranger leaned against his Cayenne as Steph escorted her FTA into Trenton PD. Morelli came out of the security door and walked belligerantly over, and ended standing with his arms on his hips.

"You are wasting your time, you know," Joe started. "I don't know what you want with her..."

"No, you don't," Ranger said amiably.

"She can't give you anything" Joe continued. Ranger raised an eyebrow.

"Such as?"

"She can't cook, can't clean worth a shit, rolls in garbage and drives shitbox cars."

"Well, I have a housekeeper that cooks and cleans. I have an excellent shower with plenty of hot water and Ella also does laundry. I have more than enough cars for both of us."

"And she can't have kids, she told me," Joe finished triumphantly.

"Yes, I already know" Ranger said calmly.

"What, she told you?"

"No, she has been on Rangeman's medical policy for the past year. The information is right on every form that gets filled out any time she has been in the ER for an injury. Name, address, insurance information, any medications and any previous medical procedures. I thought you were her boyfriend, I know you used to admit her to the ER before she started temping for us last year," Ranger replied with a hint of a smile at the edges of his mouth. "Why do you think I told her that she was a line item? That way I could keep her covered under our insurance."

Joe looked stunned.

"Besides, I already had a daughter. Six months after I signed the paperwork letting Rachel's husband adopt her I decided I didn't want to risk getting anybody else pregnant so I had a vasectomy. I don't care if Steph can't give me a kid. If I want another kid I can always adopt." Seeing Steph walking out with the body reciept, he opens the passenger side door for her.

"Morelli." Ranger slid behind the wheel and started his SUV.

"What did Joe want?" asked Steph.

"Passing the time of day, nothing important. Pino's?""

"Definitely!"


End file.
